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Dotting the "i"s and crossing my fingers

"For the hundredth time, this is an amendment to the orginal court order of custody, it only changes the time of your visitation nothing else."

The migraine behind my right eye has not yet blossomed into full strength, but the steady rythym of my pulse echoes in throbbing bursts, clouding my vision with each heartbeat. I don't have long before I lose sight in that eye. I switch the phone to the other shoulder and begin to dig through my purse, hoping to find the pain meds before it's too late.

"I don't see why you can't just agree with me on this. You're such an inflexible bitch." My ex husband's voice rises to a screech as I shakily thumb the cap off the prescription bottle, and grab my water bottle.

Yes, I am the inflexible bitch. The one who adjusts timing of visitation when he's got a booty call, or when his parents telephone to add another few days to their already month long with my daughter. I bend to their whims and smile while doing it, knowing that arguing makes Kendall anxious and upset. I refuse to put her in the middle like I was when I was a child.

I straigten up, swallowing the pill down as my vision greys.

"I'm not going to have the layer revise it again. I do not need to tell you when I leave the city with her, I do not need to tell you when we go camping, my time is my time, and the activities that happen during it, are not to be dictated by you."  I know this is retaliation for taking Kendall to a pagan family campout one county over last weekend. Enough bullying is enough.

"Well I want to pick her up Friday then."

My eyesight tunnels down until only the vision in my left eye remains.

"That's fine, you just have to sign the paperwork and it will go into effect immediately."

"Fuck you and fuck this. I should just take you back to court." I hear him slam down something that sounds suspiciously like a beer bottle on the other end of the line. "I'll sign the fucking papers. Just mail them to me."

"Will do."

I hang up the phone, and cross the call off my to-do list.

I sit in the quiet dark, documenting his slurred curses into an ever growing notebook of incidents. Last time it was telling Kendall he curses at her because she makes him angry. She had panic attacks for a week about it.

I can't do much but continue to document every call, every email, every tear he makes her cry.

Hopefully someday it will be enough to end her visitation, but until then I'll keep crossing every "t" and dotting every "i".

Comments

medleymisty
Oct. 7th, 2014 12:22 am (UTC)
*all the hugs ever*

Hugs especially to Kendall. I know about having anxiety attacks when you get yelled at.

I really really really hope that one day it is enough.
lostin_thestars
Oct. 7th, 2014 04:08 pm (UTC)
I got the papers back signed today, so at least one more battle is down

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Writing
lostin_thestars
Light in the Darkness

Page Summary

My heart was broken open over and over and over again... and it just kept getting bigger.

It's time to either grow up, or disintegrate.

'What makes the desert beautiful,' said the little prince, 'is that it hides a well somewhere.'

To write love on her arms

You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed.

I want to do to you what spring does with the cherry trees.

The books that help you most are those which make you think that most. The hardest way of learning is that of easy reading; but a great book that comes from a great thinker is a ship of thought, deep freighted with truth and beauty.

To whatever end.

I would not deny you, but by this good day, I yield upon great persuasion, and partly to save your life, for I was told you were in a consumption.

Always.
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